Job reqs are often sprinkled with PR-, HR-, and corporate-speak, obscuring the real meaning behind the words. Lighten your day perusing our universal code-breaker.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check
SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won’t answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE:. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE K-K: We’ll offer you K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown nosers.