+1 203-891-5060 russ@franklin-russell.com

Job reqs are often sprinkled with PR-, HR-, and corporate-speak, obscuring the real meaning behind the words. Lighten your day perusing our universal code-breaker.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check

SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won’t answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE:. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE K-K: We’ll offer you K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown nosers.